I haven't blogged much on here within the last week or so but it's because i've been typing away on my personal blog (url uknown), venting and expressing my feelings about some issues I have had to deal with lately. I usually retreat there, my secret, online journal when I have stuff I don't want to talk about with other people.
I broke up with my boyfriend and while sad at first, it may not be such a bad thing. We've been off & on for the past 4 years and while familiar, it was just never quite right, you know? I'm not sad, mad or disappointed...I played a role in the way things ultimately went down too. I had some truths of my own, nothing too bad it was just the deceit behind it all....Secrets I have kept from him for a year or more. He wasn't happy and I didn't expect him to be but by the time I outted that stuff, we were already OVER!
I figured i'd be done with it this time, chase MY dreams, realize some of my goals and let love work it's way back around to me. After all, our cards are already dealt and what/who is for us will be just that, for us. So after the first 24hours of our breakup and my initial "shock" I got it moving. I proposed friendship, but he didn't care for the idea, and that's absolutely fine.
After a crash session of venting and expressing myself to my BFF, I was back in effect. See, my perspective is this: Love doesn't play games. As people we play games with love and I can't allow myself to take part in such irresponsible behavior, I mean emotions are involved, feelings and spirits get broken and the "I hate you" feelings afterward are unnecessary. He had alot of the characteristics I'd love in a man but he also came with alot that I, nor any woman I know, can bare.
In some way's he'd improved, could make me happier than happier BUT respect is a huge issue with him....he LACKED it!! I mean it was bad! He could say, do, anything to you (even me, his girl) in a moment of anger and TO ME that's not acceptable. I had my last straw with it. I think the breakup would fall on the grounds of a mutual one but I've definitely had ENOUGH!!
Like I always say, I never say never but certainly not right now. It's a toxic, unhealthy relationship that I want no parts of.....so, imma just sit pretty til the right toad turns into my prince. I have time, i'm only 22!!!!!!